I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
