I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
