My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
