trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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