would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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