I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
