i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
