When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
