his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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