You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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