Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
