I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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