why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Too much gin, very little bucket
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
