Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just want to make out with him forever
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
