I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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