oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
