I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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