the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
