I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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