maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
