im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
