I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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