The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
