People in love make me want to vomit
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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