I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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