You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
