kristin has been a bad kristin
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
