I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
