Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
