i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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