hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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