So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
