I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
