I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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