I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
