apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
