Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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