Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
