You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
