You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
