Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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