Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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