I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
