I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
