she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
