She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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