I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
