david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
