giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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