I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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