Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
