woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize