I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
