dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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