You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
