My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize