at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
