oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
