a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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