I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
