My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
