GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
