You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
