So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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